BBB Episode 4: Madison Bumgarner, Cartoon Kid Version

Pretty much every kid in the Backyard Sports series is memorable. Ranking them in order of how awesome they are would be pretty tough. They've all got hilarious personalities and backstories. The 30 kids represent almost every major stereotype out there.

One of those kids is Marky Dubois. Marky is the country boy. Ok, he's not just a country boy. He's a total hick.

As you may be able to tell, he's wearing overalls. Those overalls have a pet frog in them. He also plays barefoot ... and according to The Postgame, he dabbed before it was a thing.

I never thought he was hitting the dab. I thought he was just sort of shielding himself from the ball or something. I'm not sure how I failed to make that connection.

Continuing our research on Marky, I've figured out a few other things about him:
-He has never used a proper toilet.
-Everything he has ever consumed contains rhubarb.
-He knows his moonshine.
-He frequently judges moonshine contests.
-He can count all the way to G.
-He brushes his teeth with clay and butter.
-He enjoys re-enacting the "War of Southern Aggression."
-He grows his own rhubarb.
-I've never had rhubarb.
-I probably wouldn't be able to identify what rhubarb was unless I was told it was rhubarb.
-According to the first photo that shows up for rhubarb on Google, it looks kind of like Swiss chard, only the leaves are a brighter shade of green.
-I'm running out of things to say about rhubarb.
-I've been researching rhubarb for enough time that the Marky dab gif has looped at least a few hundred times now.

Anyway, it came to my attention that there's a real-life version of Marky Dubois. A lot of baseball players are very, very Southern. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are a few guys who do embody a lot of the negative stereotypes associated with the South. One of those is Madison Bumgarner. You've probably seen his truck commercials about a million times, he's known to show aggression towards people who aren't white, and he's been chewing tobacco since fifth grade. (Then again, that's the age at which Bobby Shmurda started selling crack, so it could be worse.) With these parallels established, I decided to have Marky Dubois spend a day living as if he was Madison Bumgarner.

In order to do so, Marky had to do a few things. He had to throw a lot of pitches upstairs. Bumgarner's repertoire emphasizes pitches at the top of and occasionally above the strike zone, which he does quite well. Dubois also needed to swing for the fences as Bumgarner does, so he can only swing using the Power option. He also needed to be given total control of the game and be left in extremely long, pitch count be damned. Bruce Bochy puts a lot of trust in Bumgarner. Sometimes it pays off. Other times it doesn't.

Anyway, these strategies were utilized in the Melonheads' fourth game, the second against the White Sox. The game was played at Dubois Diamond, which was the main reason this was being done to begin with. I probably should've mentioned that sooner. Oh well.

As for the actual game, it was scoreless into the seventh inning. Both teams got runs thanks to their #8 hitters. Gretchen Hasselhoff gave the Melonheads a brief lead with a fielders' choice, but Mary Reilly's two-out single off of MarkBum scored Tonya Lesco to tie the game.

The game remained tied into the tenth. BumMarky was done on the mound after nine innings and 90 pitches. He allowed 10 hits but struck out 11. If the Melonheads could push across a run in the tenth, he'd be in line for the win. Ricky Johnson picked up a one-out infield single to continue his surprisingly solid start to the year. He's batting .400, almost entirely thanks to his speed. Ashley Webber doubled, putting runners on second and third with one out. That brought up Maria Luna, whose ground ball led to an out at the plate. That meant it was up to MarkBum himself. Runners on the corners and two outs. You know it, he was swinging for the fences.

He grounded out to first, sending the game to the bottom of the tenth. Gretchen Hasselhoff came in to face a lefty-heavy part of the White Sox lineup. She allowed a leadoff double and ended up dealing with two outs and runners on the corners. Gwen Sears hit a bouncer to no-man's land for a walkoff infield hit, sending the Melonheads to 2-2. MarkBum went 0-5 at the plate including a strikeout, though he was excellent on the mound.

W: Uma Morris (1-1) L: Gretchen Hasselhoff (0-1)

With the lineup struggling, we're going to shake things up next time we play. That shakeup will center around the red-hot Ricky Johnson.

BBB Episode 3: Yosted

I don't like the way the Kansas City Royals play. I really don't. Their small-ball is infuriating. The way they frequently win in spite of Ned Yost's hideous managing is awful to watch. Combine that with some of the personalities on their team and it's easy to see why the Royals are loathed all around baseball. They've found their way into constant fights thanks to their mind-numbing ways.

With that in mind, I thought it would be fun to try to beat the Royals at their own game. The parameters?
-Only grounders. No hitting balls in the air. The Royals have to send little grounders through holes.
-Bunt all the time. Whenever possible. Waste outs whenever possible, even with really good hitters.
-Put relievers into very specific roles. Specific relievers need to be tasked with the 7th, 8th and 9th.
-Those relievers must only be used in a tie game or with a lead.
-If losing or winning by enough that it's a non-save situation, unremarkable long relievers must be used.

My rigid bullpen includes Johnson in middle relief, Hasselhoff for the seventh, Webber for the eighth and Crocket to close. Eckman, Luna and Worthington are long relievers.

As for the actual bunt-filled experiment ...

It didn't go particularly well for the Melonheads. The luck that's bailed Ned Yost out of so many terrible decisions wasn't there for the Melonheads on this day.

In the top of the third, all hell broke loose after a two-out error by Marky Dubois. Kay O'Toole singled to score Stuart Sullivan and Raquel Cullen followed with a ground-rule double to put runners at second and third. At that moment, I thought to myself, "what would Ned Yost do?" Cleanup hitter Kiesha Phillips was coming up. Rather than doing the smart thing and pitching conservatively to the slugger, I consulted the all-knowing Yost. He told me that the one true path to follow was the intentional walk. I intentionally walked Phillips and took my chances with Anna Goudreau. She hit a grand slam. Five unearned runs all came from a two-out error.

On the offensive side of things, the Melonheads picked up tons of slap hits, but could never string them together. Lisa Crocket hit an Aluminum Power homer to open up the fourth. (It was the only time all game that they didn't hit the ball on the ground. Aluminum Power overrules everything.) Later in that inning, the Melonheads had the bases loaded with one out and Ricky Johnson coming up. It's the perfect Royals situation. A walk and two bunt singles load the bases for the worst player in the lineup. Unfortunately, his little roller didn't find a hole. The Royals got the force out at the plate and Webber bounced into another force out to end the inning.

To top it off, O'Toole got Kansas City's run back on another solo homer to make it 6-1 in the fifth. Kawaguchi lasted six innings, allowing six runs, but only one was earned. Worthington pitched surprisingly well in long relief, allowing just one hit and striking out five. The Melonheads offense continued to sputter. Bases loaded and one out in the seventh with the heart of the order coming up led to absolutely nothing as Crocket popped out and Dubois grounded out to end the threat. Eckman singled home a run in the ninth, but the Melonheads fell, 6-2.

Here's the ridiculous part: the Melonheads outhit the Royals 15-7. However, the Royals had four extra-base hits to the Melonheads' one and the one error altered the entire game. Sadly, the Royals wouldn't be defeated by their own style. The parasites could not be vanquished on this day.

W: Kiesha Phillips (1-0) L: Kenny Kawaguchi (1-1)

This experiment may be revisited with a few changes in our next meeting with the Royals.

BBB Episode 2: This Game Is Way Too Easy

I thought it would be proper to give the Melonheads a second chance at a normal game before really screwing with them. They proved that this game is, regardless of the circumstances, way too easy.

No matter how difficult you make the settings, no matter how crappy you make your team, it's still a really easy game. The Melonheads' 7-1 win over the Indians proved this.

After allowing a first inning homer to Jim Thome, Marky Dubois was excellent. He threw a complete game, striking out seven and allowing nine hits. He needed just 80 pitches to record 27 outs. The Cleveland lineup was swinging at everything. There was one three-ball count all game.

This was done without trying particularly hard to paint the corners or even to throw Dubois' best pitches. I played along with what Marky wanted to do. Any time he shook off the catcher, I chose a different pitch until there was one that he approved of. He frequently threw his two worst pitches. It didn't stop him.

On the offensive side of things, a big second inning once again chased the opposing starter. Unlike the last game, the opposing starter, Christina Beattie, was a 10/10-rated pitcher. She gave up an unearned run in the first inning and Maria Luna hit a grand slam in the second inning.

Maria Luna. Hit a grand slam. Not with Aluminum Power. Not even with normal power. It was an opposite-field line drive that cleared the LF fence. This game is the least challenging thing ever.

The one other bright spot for the Indians was a ridiculous throw by their right fielder for a 9-3 putout. Granted, the runner was Kimmy Eckman. It was a pretty hard-hit ball, but it was a seriously perfect throw.

That's baseball, though. Sometimes great pitchers have crappy games. Sometimes lousy hitters hit home runs. If this was just baseball being its typical weird self, it could be dismissed as an anomaly.

There was so much more than that. This game frequently gives presents to players. And not just little drugstore presents that were bought on the way to the party. We're talking big presents. We're talking Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range rifles.

In the top of the fourth, Cleveland had runners on the corners with two outs and tried to double steal. Not one of those double steal plays that you constantly see in Little League where the runner from third won't try to score until the catcher throws down to second. Both runners just plain hightailed it. Even when Reese came out from behind the plate and stood in the middle of the basepath, poor Christina Beattie just kept on running straight into his tag.

In the bottom of the sixth, Gretchen Hasselhoff came up with runners on second and third. She hit a little tapper that the pitcher, Jillian Paine, fielded and threw home. The runner from third had barely broken for home. There was more than enough time to throw to first and then get the runner at the plate. Instead, no outs were recorded on that play. That brought up Ricky Johnson with the bases loaded. Ricky lined out softly to Paine. The runners stayed put at the bases. That didn't stop Paine from throwing to third! The throw was wild and went out of play. Runners advanced two bases. Two runs scored to make it 7-1.

Even with a strong CPU team facing a weak human-controlled team playing on very difficult settings, the game will still make enough mental errors that it's unbelievably easy for the human to win. While I understand we're looking at this 13 years after the game was developed, and while we must remember that this is a kids' game, the most difficult options should present at least some sort of challenge.

W: Marky Dubois (1-0) L: Christina Beattie (0-1)

With the incredible ease of this game established, it's about time we stop playing around and break this thing.

BBB Episode 1: Melonheads Ride Big Inning, Under Grounder to Opening Day Win

Before we really screw with the Melonheads, I felt it was necessary to let them play without any sort of obstructions to see just how good they were. Any good science experiment needs a control to base data off of, so we began with a home game against the White Sox.

The Melonheads' Opening Day lineup:

Ashley Webber SS
Maria Luna RF
Kimmy Eckman 2B
Marky Dubois 1B
Lisa Crocket 3B
Gretchen Hasselhoff LF
Reese Worthington C
Kenny Kawaguchi P
Ricky Johnson CF

See that? Batting the pitcher eighth. We're innovative and all that.

It should be noted that Dubois had higher ratings for this game than usual, but the plan was to bat him cleanup regardless. I wanted the R/L balance, and he's one of the better hitters on this team.

Anyway, this will probably be the go-to lineup, although I plan on rotating Dubois and Kawaguchi between pitcher and first base. The two should combine to make the 14 starts. In the bullpen, Johnson is the middle reliever, Webber is the right-handed setup, Hasselhoff is the lefty setup and Crocket is the closer.

As for the game:

Kawaguchi gave up a leadoff triple on the first pitch. Not promising. But things improved from there! The runner stayed at third on a bunt single, Kenny struck out the next two batters and Pete Wheeler grounded out to end the inning.

In the bottom of the second, the bottom of the order sparked a two-out rally. With the bases empty, Reese singled to left-center and stole second. Kenny then made weak contact on the left side, but the third baseman couldn't handle it, putting men on the corners with two outs for Ricky Johnson. The worst hitter in the game. Sure enough, he drove in the first run of the season with a grounder up the middle out of the reach of the diving shortstop. Webber then swung at a Spitball (one of the power-up pitches) and reached on an infield hit. For those of you unfamiliar with the game, if you get a hit on a power-up pitch, you get one of the offensive power-ups. As a result, the Melonheads got to exploit the Under Grounder. Maria Luna wouldn't use it, though. She walked with the bases loaded. Kimmy Eckman and Marky Dubois did get to use the power-up, and both drove in two on ground-rule doubles. That chased White Sox starter Uma Morris from the game. She gave up six unearned runs in 1 2/3 innings.

With that, Morris was replaced by Frank Thomas. Despite making a living as a power hitter with excellent plate discipline, Thomas was one of the top-rated pitchers on the game. I still don't know why. If anyone does know, please explain it to me. I'm begging for answers.

Anyway, Thomas held the Melonheads' offense in check from there on out. Over 6 1/3 innings, he allowed just three hits and a walk while striking out ten.

Luckily, the big inning was all Kenny Kawaguchi would need. He allowed single runs in the fourth, fifth and sixth. The first of those runs was on a Pete Wheeler inside-the-park homer on a line drive to shallow center that got by Ricky Johnson. The second was an unearned run on a Webber throwing error and the third was on a two-out double by Mary Reilly. Kenny threw exactly 100 pitches over eight innings, allowing 11 hits but striking out ten. Lisa Crocket pitched a 1-2-3 ninth with a pair of strikeouts for the save.

W: Kenny Kawaguchi (1-0) L: Uma Morris (0-1) S: Lisa Crocket (1)

So what did we learn?

Well, this team is pretty fast. Speed is going to be their best weapon. They stole four bases (two by Reese, one each by Ashley and Maria) and an infield hit was a major part of the rally.

This game typically features tons of infield hits. So long as a runner isn't painfully slow, most balls that aren't hit right at an infielder will result in hits.

Outside of the second inning, this offense wasn't all that great, though that was against Secret Ace Frank Thomas. It'll be interesting to see how this offense fares moving forward.

We'll face the Indians next. If you have any suggestions for shenanigans that I can try with this team, be sure to let me know.

Godspeed, Melonheads.

Meet the Melonheads

Many of our attempts to break Backyard Baseball will focus on a lovable group of screwups, the Humongous Melonheads. They're our guinea pigs. If anyone from PETA has issues with using the term "guinea pigs," they can shove it.

Clockwise from top-left: Ricky Johnson, Ashley Webber, Kimmy Eckman, Lisa Crocket, Marky Dubois, Gretchen Hasselhoff, Kenny Kawaguchi, Maria Luna and Reese Worthington.

These are your Melonheads. They will compete in the AL Central and their home field is Parks Department Field #2, which offers teams no distinct advantage or disadvantage.

As anyone familiar with Backyard Baseball 2003 knows, this team is not very good. Winning the Backyard World Series, or even making the playoffs, will be quite the challenge for these youngsters.

In addition to the limitations that come from their lack of talent, we'll be throwing all sorts of other obstacles in their path. I've planned out a few challenges that these Melonheads will face over their 14-game season, but any other ideas will be welcomed. You can tweet them to me (@EthanRKassel), and if they're not too difficult to execute, I'll play a game using your ideas. Ideally, we'll have a few twists focused on individual members of this team, a few focused on stadiums, and a few based on concepts from MLB. 

Melonheads Schedule:

Chicago White Sox

Cleveland Indians

Kansas City Royals

@ Chicago White Sox

@ Cleveland Indians

@ Kansas City Royals

Green Wombats

@ Tampa Bay Devil Rays

@ Texas Rangers

Seattle Mariners

Pittsburgh Pirates

@ Super-Duper Monsters

Florida Marlins

@ Mighty Hornets

For those of you that aren't familiar with the game or need a reminder, the players:

Well, this team has decent speed, and some of the pitching isn't too awful, but that's about it. On that note, we've got work to do. Opening Day is upon us.

Welcome

Backyard Baseball is indisputably one of the best games in history. Like many of you, I have lots of great childhood memories playing this classic game, namely the 2003 version.

I recently decided to revisit the game. I was a bit disappointed, albeit unsurprised, to find that the game is incredibly easy, even on the most difficult settings. There's a very brief learning curve. By the end of my third game, I was blowing away the competition just as I did when I was younger. You have to swing earlier in Backyard Baseball than in a typical video game, as it's designed for kids, and kids have slow reaction times. Once you get that figured out, there's really no challenge whatsoever.

In the midst of my seventh game, a 22-0 bludgeoning of the Wombats, the game began to lose its bit of sanity. At one point, Ken Griffey Jr. hit a ball off the wall in right field and four players chased after it. None of the four were the right fielder. The four continued running to the ball in this giant clump, frequently bouncing into each other. The poor Wombats' pitching staff was thoroughly depleted. When a team on Backyard Baseball 2003 runs out of pitchers, the game goes into a state of panic. With anything resembling a decent pitcher out of stamina, the computer-operated team searches frantically for anyone that can throw a ball in the general direction of home plate. Eventually, the four or five pitchers that the team had used throughout the game get rotated in and out every few pitches, sometimes in the middle of at-bats. Sometimes a single at-bat will see two or three different pitchers. Anything even slightly resembling logic is gone. There's more reasoning in a North Korean political summit.

It was during that massacre at Cement Gardens that I had an epiphany. As I gazed through the dust and debris, looking at the shredded remnants of the Wombats, I asked myself a question. "Why should I let Backyard Baseball 2003 self-destruct when I can break it myself?" From the carnage at the Gardens, a new idea was born, rising from the ashes like a phoenix. The Wombats did not die in vain, for their death led to the birth of a brave new idea: Breaking Backyard Baseball.