One of those kids is Marky Dubois. Marky is the country boy. Ok, he's not just a country boy. He's a total hick.
As you may be able to tell, he's wearing overalls. Those overalls have a pet frog in them. He also plays barefoot ... and according to The Postgame, he dabbed before it was a thing.
I never thought he was hitting the dab. I thought he was just sort of shielding himself from the ball or something. I'm not sure how I failed to make that connection.
Continuing our research on Marky, I've figured out a few other things about him:
-He has never used a proper toilet.
-Everything he has ever consumed contains rhubarb.
-He knows his moonshine.
-He frequently judges moonshine contests.
-He can count all the way to G.
-He brushes his teeth with clay and butter.
-He enjoys re-enacting the "War of Southern Aggression."
-He grows his own rhubarb.
-I've never had rhubarb.
-I probably wouldn't be able to identify what rhubarb was unless I was told it was rhubarb.
-According to the first photo that shows up for rhubarb on Google, it looks kind of like Swiss chard, only the leaves are a brighter shade of green.
-I'm running out of things to say about rhubarb.
-I've been researching rhubarb for enough time that the Marky dab gif has looped at least a few hundred times now.
Anyway, it came to my attention that there's a real-life version of Marky Dubois. A lot of baseball players are very, very Southern. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are a few guys who do embody a lot of the negative stereotypes associated with the South. One of those is Madison Bumgarner. You've probably seen his truck commercials about a million times, he's known to show aggression towards people who aren't white, and he's been chewing tobacco since fifth grade. (Then again, that's the age at which Bobby Shmurda started selling crack, so it could be worse.) With these parallels established, I decided to have Marky Dubois spend a day living as if he was Madison Bumgarner.
In order to do so, Marky had to do a few things. He had to throw a lot of pitches upstairs. Bumgarner's repertoire emphasizes pitches at the top of and occasionally above the strike zone, which he does quite well. Dubois also needed to swing for the fences as Bumgarner does, so he can only swing using the Power option. He also needed to be given total control of the game and be left in extremely long, pitch count be damned. Bruce Bochy puts a lot of trust in Bumgarner. Sometimes it pays off. Other times it doesn't.
Anyway, these strategies were utilized in the Melonheads' fourth game, the second against the White Sox. The game was played at Dubois Diamond, which was the main reason this was being done to begin with. I probably should've mentioned that sooner. Oh well.
As for the actual game, it was scoreless into the seventh inning. Both teams got runs thanks to their #8 hitters. Gretchen Hasselhoff gave the Melonheads a brief lead with a fielders' choice, but Mary Reilly's two-out single off of MarkBum scored Tonya Lesco to tie the game.
The game remained tied into the tenth. BumMarky was done on the mound after nine innings and 90 pitches. He allowed 10 hits but struck out 11. If the Melonheads could push across a run in the tenth, he'd be in line for the win. Ricky Johnson picked up a one-out infield single to continue his surprisingly solid start to the year. He's batting .400, almost entirely thanks to his speed. Ashley Webber doubled, putting runners on second and third with one out. That brought up Maria Luna, whose ground ball led to an out at the plate. That meant it was up to MarkBum himself. Runners on the corners and two outs. You know it, he was swinging for the fences.
He grounded out to first, sending the game to the bottom of the tenth. Gretchen Hasselhoff came in to face a lefty-heavy part of the White Sox lineup. She allowed a leadoff double and ended up dealing with two outs and runners on the corners. Gwen Sears hit a bouncer to no-man's land for a walkoff infield hit, sending the Melonheads to 2-2. MarkBum went 0-5 at the plate including a strikeout, though he was excellent on the mound.
W: Uma Morris (1-1) L: Gretchen Hasselhoff (0-1)
With the lineup struggling, we're going to shake things up next time we play. That shakeup will center around the red-hot Ricky Johnson.
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